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Getting
Unstuck with Conscious
How
do you turn a diagnosis of HIV positive into a mission
to save the world when you can't save yourself? You
are not the average person. You are not consumed with
self pity. You remain conscious of what's most important
in life. You are Conscious. Author, Conscious also known
as the Executive Assistant to the Executive Producer
of the former Queen Latifah Show, and as the host of
the talk show She-Commerce on the Oxygen Media Network
has taken the prognosis given to her and turned it into
a living and breathing campaign to make people more
aware of the choices that they make and the options
needed to remain healthy and thrive. Through her book,
"Getting Unstuck," Conscious has shared with
readers from all walks of life a topic that major publishing
houses refused to print. She didn't let their desire
to keep readers in the dark prevent her from spreading
the word, even if it meant she had to self-publish and
pound the pavement selling copies of the book herself.
This determination and faith in her calling, allowed
Conscious to expand her story into a film production
with the assistance of Showtime along with rapper/ comedienne/actress,
Eve. As Nghosi Books.com and other supporters of Conscious'
work wait patiently for the premiere of the film version
of her controversial and insightful novel, we take an
opportunity to talk to Conscious about how it all began
and where she plans on taking it.
The
following is an account of that interview:
Nghosi
Books: What made you decide to write the book?
Conscious:
Based on what I had learned in the treatment facility
that I went to for help with drug addiction and abuse,
I learned that you couldn't keep it unless you give
it away. Meaning that everything you experience in your
life there are at least 100 people or more that have
experienced it. In order for you to learn from your
mistakes you have to share it with others so that they
can identify with you. Once I realized I had an abundance
of issues, I felt that I had a wealth of information
that would be a disaster if I took it to my grave without
sharing this information.
Nghosi
Books: How long did it take you to write "Getting
Unstuck"?
Conscious:
It took me three years - from 1999 to 2002 when I self-published
it. I personally thought it was a story that was intriguing
enough and gripping enough and contained such valuable
information that the major publishing houses would jump
all over it. But come to find out, when I went to shop
the book around, I was shot down by all of the major
publishing houses. One editor told me off the record
that people are just not ready for that much information.
He said, "Although your story is very compelling
and gripping and a very important story, they're just
not ready to publish something like that, and the public
is not ready for that type of information." And
I said to that publisher, "I beg to differ."
Nghosi
Books:
In what ways did you promote "Getting Unstuck"?
Conscious:
I always tell people, I used what the record labels
used. By working as a bodyguard for actor Mark Wahlberg
during the taping of the movie, "Boogie Nights,"
and in New York nightclubs such as "The Palladium,"
"The Tunnel," "The Limelight," and
as personal bodyguard to Missy Elliot, Busta Rhymes,
DMX, Jay-Z, and R&B artist, Aaliyah, I was able
to watch how the promoters market a new album, movie,
artist, or party. Pretty much they would run up to people
and give them a flyer during the party and at the end
of the party. At the end of the night, they're giving
out T-shirts, flyers, etc. I used that same type of
promotions with the book. I chose my market and made
it more GLBT. I took boxes of books out to various clubs
and sold them at 4 o'clock in the morning to people
who were coming out of the club half drunk. I remained
persistent. It wasn't always a gay club sometimes it
was straight clubs. It was in front of Times Square,
Madison Square Garden, women's basketball games, beauty
shops, playgrounds...wherever women were. I walked,
I carried posters, flyers and my books, and I passed
them out wherever I could.
Nghosi
Books: What was the response from readers?
Conscious:
I received an astronomical response that took the book
into 5 different countries! I started receiving e-mails
from other countries, kids, adults, parents, pastors,
churches, women, men, police officers, people from all
walks of life. I began to confirm what I had expected
that there was an audience for that material and that
material was in need.
Nghosi
Books: How much attention do you think women who
are HIV positive get from the media, government, community,
family and friends?
Conscious:
I don't think we're more concerned about any one particular
group of people. I think as a whole it's an epidemic.
I don't feel that women are getting less attention,
I think that the light has simply begun to be shone
on a different aspect of the epidemic…it's just
the shift of the light. Once I come out with my film
then the shift will be on the lesbian. It's more important
right now to discuss men on the down low because more
women have become more aware that the disease is now
targeting them. But what I can say is this, protection
is the key and because the rate of infection is extremely
high amongst black women, women of color, it goes to
show that we as black women don't love ourselves. We
make the choice to have penetration and not protect
ourselves. If a woman uses the excuse that she doesn't
use protection because she's married to him, that was
okay back in 1929, but this is 2005 and that is out
the door. You have to start changing your idea as the
time changes. That's an old cliché and you have
to start throwing those beliefs out the window.
Nghosi
Books: How do you think your book helps to gain
more exposure?
Conscious:
I think it helps lesbians who really need to wake up,
and number two it will help lesbians to stop thinking
that they are exempt. When the government takes statistics,
there is a column for homosexual men, there's a column
for heterosexual men and women, there's a column for
bisexual, and there's a column for lesbian. If you have
ever had sex with a man whether you are actively involved
in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, you will
not be categorized as a lesbian. So if you become a
case of HIV while being with a woman, but have previously
had sex with a man, or go out and have sex with a man,
then you will fall into the heterosexual column. So
those are large numbers that we're losing because of
the way we are being categorized. These numbers help
to make lesbians remain unaware of how prevalent this
issue is within our own community. That's why my mission
is to do what I can do while I'm well. I've seen the
end result and know what it really is. Why deal with
something that's avoidable?
Nghosi
Books: Did you always plan on turning "Getting
Unstuck" into a movie? If yes, why?
Conscious:
Absolutely! From day one that was my goal to reach the
masses through a film version of the book. I want to
reach as many people in this world as I can. I know
that there are many people dealing with the adversities
that I have experienced and I felt it would be an injustice
if I took as much as as I know to my grave without sharing
it with others.
Nghosi
Books: How did Eve get involved?
Conscious:
I was sitting in the beauty shop and I met someone from
the movie "Barber Shop" and that's how it
all got started.
Nghosi
Books: Was she your first choice?
Conscious:
I really didn't have any choice of people. I really
didn't care who played the role. I just wanted someone
to do it justice, to take on the role of the character,
have this story challenge their acting ability, have
them read the story and fall in love with it. I wanted
it to challenge them and make them better for playing
this role. I wanted the betterment for everybody in
doing this project.
Nghosi
Books: How true to your book is the film?
Conscious:
I will be consulting with Eve and the scriptwriters,
and producing the film. So I'll have a lot of hands
on. With that in mind, we'll try to keep as close to
the book as possible. I can tell you this, Eve will
be on the screen as an adult more than anything, which
is a little different than in the book. We want Eve
to be on screen and get as much exposure as possible.
She's the star and if we keep her on the screen as much
as possible, it will also emphasize the message that
you can be successful even after going through all of
these experiences. We don't want the movie to be a downer
but more of look at the shit that happen to me and look
at how successful I am inspite of.
Nghosi Books: When does it air?
Conscious:
We start shooting the film this summer. I guess it will
probably go through the edit by the end of the year
and be on the screen by the end of this year or early
next year.
Nghosi
Books: What impact do you think it will have?
Conscious:
I think that it will be an eye opener for all organizations
across the country. I'm talking about gay and lesbian
organizations, youth organizations, churches, school
systems, globally. This is going to be an eye opener…for
drug and alcohol rehabs. I think this book should be
reedited and packaged with the movie and sent out to
all of those mental health institutions, AIDS institutions,
schools and youth institutions to help them understand
the core problem. Here's how Conscious found out about
herself and maybe if you did some self-examination maybe
you could find out what's going on with you.
Nghosi
Books: Why do you think Showtime is so gay friendly
or interested in GLBT stories?
Conscious:
Well I think an excerpt from The Advocate's September
30, 2003, article will help explain Showtime's interest
in gay friendly shows:
The openly gay Greenblatt knows firsthand about TV and
pushing the envelope. When he was a senior executive
at Fox Broadcasting in the 1990s, he said he felt "frustrated"
at having to attend to "agendas like salespeople,
advertisers, and broadcast standards, which take a level
of purity out of the shows."
But
now that Greenblatt, 43, has landed his exciting gig
at Showtime, he is looking forward to cutting out the
layers of red tape and executive decision-making. "At
Showtime, there is a relatively uncomplicated process
to get the show on-air," he says, "and the
mandate is to do more challenging and unique shows.
Writers are not censored at all." Take Showtime's
Queer as Folk, for example, which has broken ground
in its candid depiction of gay sexuality. "The
biggest agenda here," says Greenblatt, "is
that you can do anything."
Nghosi
Books: Do you think the interest will increase or
is it just a fad?
Conscious:
I think that there are number of gay and lesbian producers
who have begun to arrive and arise and I think their
subject matter is finding a place in the entertainment
world. I think that years ago they had problems getting
gay and lesbian entertainment out there but finally
they're being taken seriously. I think that the show
"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," did it too.
It made being gay fun and took away the stigma of being
gay. I think that opened up a door for programming.
Nghosi
Books: If people want to purchase a copy of your
book, how would you like them to do so?
Conscious:
I would encourage them to visit my web site www.prettytomboys.com
because when they purchase the book from my web site
a portion goes towards HIV/AIDS research. It's also
a way to keep the project afloat. I have to print these
books from my own money and that's the only way I can
continue to do what I do by people coming to the web
site and buying the book. They can also go to a local
bookstore. I do have distribution, which means the local
bookstores have copies of the book too. And for a group
rate, they contact my assistant at luzm@prettytomboys.com
and she'll send them a bulk of books with FREE shipping.
Nghosi
Books: Are you doing any book tours?
Conscious:
I have a book company that's interested in repackaging
the book. I anticipate a book tour with that.
Nghosi
Books: What's next for Conscious?
Conscious:
The next step would be to create a scholastic workbook
and book for the high school right here in Miami-Dade
and make it required reading. Once we get one county,
we want another county and another county and we want
it to go nationwide. Then my next project would be to
get it on the syllabus of colleges and high schools
as required reading. If it's not palatable for the family
and school system, then we'll reedit it and take some
of the profanity and the graphic scenes out. I'm also
thinking about going back into television.
Nghosi
Books: What does "trimming the fat," mean
to you?
Conscious:
It coincides with what I'm doing with my project in
that I think it's a great thing that you're doing. Trimming
the fat means to me, letting go all of the old baggage,
the hate, not understanding, all of the difficulties,
and all of the things in your past. It means getting
unstuck. Trimming the fat means getting unstuck.
Nghosi
Books: Do you have anything else that you'd like
to add to this interview?
Conscious:I
definitely want people to stay safe, that's first and
foremost. If you don't go get tested and your tcells
are down to about three, then you're very far gone and
you are at high risk for opportunistic infection, which
can kill you because your immune defenses are low. We
need a vaccine so please donate to the National Institute
of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and the Black AIDS
Institute. I need people to contact me at gettingunstuck@prettytomboys.com,
if they want me to speak somewhere, or do a seminar.
If
you think about it Shonia, I'm the first self-published
author to make it to film. People may look at the film
and say that Eve is playing this lesbian role and playing
HIV positive but they need to look at the fact that
Eve is setting a precedent.
When
I was handed this assignment, I was floored. HIV transmission
woman to woman. Yes, I read their had been cases, but
I had never encountered any sister that had been infected
by another woman. I don’t think they would tell
anyone, even if that was the case. That kind of honesty
is rare.
I
sent Conscious an E-mail about the magazine’s interest
in interviewing her. She answered our request back without
hesitation. That took me off-balance for a moment. Why?
Because interviewing writers or people for print is
usually a waiting game. With some people dangling the
carrot to see what you would do to get an interview
with them. Not Conscious, she was polite, giving and
real. I
held the interview in her home, where I was greeted
by her dog, Egypt.
If
I wasn’t an aggressive woman, I might have been
intimidated by Conscious. She tall {6’1”},
strong and bold with soft brown eyes looking through
her trendy glasses. Her home is comfortable and laid
back, situated in a quiet neighborhood. She invited
me in and I sat on her big, roomy and softsectional.
She seemed shy and nervous at first, but she got comfortable
with me quickly. I think I was more anxious than she
was, I had so many questions, yet I wanted to be sensitive.
MC:
Why the pen name “ Conscious” ?.
Conscious: The
name was developed and created. You see, for some years
I was unconscious. For years my body, mind and spirit
lived in a coma. Through therapy I regained the memory
of my childhood. I started to repair my life by getting
free of alcohol and drugs. I was cleaning up my soul.
I regained myself and became Conscious.
MC:
So your becoming conscious was like a rebirth?........................
Conscious:
Yes, it was my coming out of that mental coma.
MC:
What gave you the strength and courage to write “Getting
Unstuck”?
Conscious:
I believe that strength came from getting clean from
drugs and alcohol. I stopped abusing drugs, myself and
women. You see, I believe we are sent messages. These
voices guide us to help others if we choose to listen.
I wrote this book to help save children and other people
from the trauma I went through in my life.
MC:
How long did this book take to write?.....................................
Conscious: Three
years. I was working in television when I first started
the book. The rigors of working in that medium, with
its twelve hour days and sometimes overnight projects
did not afford me the time nor concentration to work
on my book. I left television and went to work in a
job that offered me a more regular schedule. This gave
me the time I needed to write Getting Unstuck.
MC:
Why did you name the book “Getting Unstuck“?.......................
Conscious:
I was stuck in a path of self destruction. Even when
I had positive situations come in my life. I still migrated
toward drugs and alcohol. That was because of all the
holes in my soul. I was chained to the “Get High”
life. Through getting sober and clean, in addition with
therapy I got unstuck from the lie of a life I was living.
MC:
What is the most important influence in your life?......................
Conscious: I have
a conversation with God everyday. My greatest influence
is my conversation with God and my inner peace. This
gives me the strength I need. My awareness and understanding
are so heightened, that if I had to leave this earth
right now, I would be at peace with my life now!
MC:
I must inquire, what are you like as a person? How do
you think of yourself?
Conscious:
One on one as friends, I’m complex, moody, even
simple sometimes. I have many ranges. I slip in and
out of character. I have times when I’m rough and
rugged, thug like. Sometimes I’m motherly, sometimes
childlike or maybe soft. I’m not saying I have
multiple personalities. As a friend , if you knew me
you would know how to approach me. You would be able
to read my face. I am sensitive and laid back. My life
is quiet and simple. I just celebrated a birthday. Guess
what? I found out my birthday coincides with National
Black HIV and AIDS Awareness Day. That was February
07, 2002. It’s one of the signs God has sent me
to know that I’m doing my work.
MC: How do you
deal with being HIV positive? Has the disease affected
your interaction in the Lesbian community?..........................................
Conscious:
It has affected the way I am in the community Big Time.
First, know that being HIV+ is a state of mind. When
I first found out I thought I was going to die soon.
I started reading about the disease and the advances
in medicine. I found out you could live with the disease.
I constantly monitor my T-Cell count and my viral load.
I eat right, I’m a vegetarian now and I keep myself
clean. I don’t use soap on my face and I take vitamins.
I don’t drink or do drugs. When I go out clubbing,
I don’t cross my own personal line. I don’t
approach women trying to get intimate with them. I just
don’t want to have to put myself out there like
that. I don’t want to have to explain my HIV status
with every woman I date. There is no way I could date
a woman and not tell her. I could not risk another person’s
life. When women approach me, I’ll have a conversation
or dance with them but I don’t cross the line.
Most sisters just think I’m really nice and they
don’t push it. Anyway, I have a girlfriend, she
knows my status. We have been together for six years
now. She is HIV negative and we are safe with each other.
MC:
Why did you become involved with the drug culture?................
Conscious: I grew
up in it. My mother was part of the Hustle game. I started
drinking at an early age. My mom liked the fast life
and was into material things. So, that was our lifestyle.
I looked up to Pimps, Drug dealers and Number runners.
I even wanted to be a number runner.
MC: How is your
relationship with your Mom?..................................
Conscious: Turbulent!
I think we are so much alike we are at the opposite
end of the spectrum. As a child I feared my mother.
She provided, gave me things, material things, but not
her love. That is what I really needed, her love and
protection. We don’t deal much now. I’m clean
and sober, so I can’t be a part of her element.
I have made a conscious choice to stay clean and sober.
She has not, that means we can’t deal with each
other. I love my mother, but I can’t live in her
world.
MC: Do you have
brothers and sisters? What is your relationship like
with them?
Conscious: I have
a sister and two brothers. My eldest brother and I don’t
speak much. My sister lives upstairs and my little brother
lives down south. We are cool. My sister is great. She’s
okay about the book, she is not terribly excited. I
broke the family rule; you know, what is done in the
house stays in the house. You don’t go telling
people what goes on in the house. I’m telling these
sick secrets, so I can help end the madness.
MC: How or Why
did you get out of using and selling drugs? ............
Conscious: I hit
rock bottom. Then, God sent me a message. God told me
to leave the place I was in. God told me he had a great
work for me to do. I got help from my sister and went
into a treatment program and into therapy.
MC:
Let’s talk about therapy. Why did you accept therapy?
How do you think therapy is viewed in the African-American
community? ....................
Conscious: I wanted
to get better. It was the only way I could regain my
repressed childhood memories. It was the only way I
could heal. I learned that our secrets keep us stuck
in our mental garbage. To answer your question about
the African-American community and therapy. First, I
want you to know that a white interviewer from another
publication asked me the same question. Therapy in the
African-American community is Taboo! That is why we
aren’t getting the help me need, our sick family
secrets keep us in trauma, drama and stress. It’s
why we have murderers and serial killers in our society
at large. Our rule in black families; don’t tell
your business and that code keeps our folks stuck. You
have to realize that I had a breakthrough after seven
months of therapy. I thought about how much better in
life I could have been, if I had of received the help
I needed early in my life. It probably would have saved
me from contracting HIV.
MC:
Conscious, what are your plans for the future? .......................
Conscious:
To let God use me and get the word out about HIV and
child sexual abuse. It is my hope to build a foundation
for women with HIV who have been infected by other women.
This is just not an area that the medical community
or the Lesbian community is dealing with effectively.
Just the other day, a woman told me that she did not
know you could get HIV woman to woman. She was dead
serious and that is frightening.
MC:
Is there anything you would like to express that we
might have not covered during this interview?
................................................................
Conscious:
I have some celebrities I want to reach out to, because
I see these people in the headlines all the time. It
is mostly negative press about their alleged drug use
or them acting out because of drug abuse. Please, Whitney
Houston, Bobby Brown, DMX and Robert Downey Jr. get
help, treatment or therapy. Don’t let your internal
demons drag you down. If you see yourself in my story,
tell someone and reach out and get some help. For the
women in our communities negotiate and practice safe
sex. Be safe sisters you don’t have to die from
HIV or AIDS. Let me be your example. Let me be the sacrifice.
Know that woman to woman HIV transmission is a reality.
Read about my life, protect yours!!!
MC:
Thank you Conscious, for inviting us into your home
and sharing your life by writing Getting Unstuck!
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